Indecision

We are faced with so much input that it is often difficult to process the different messages that we receive. This city is so full of pain, lonliness, beauty, and opportunity that choosing one avenue is a heavy task. On the one hand, we are drawn to familiar surroundings and familiar people. We end up seeking people that remind us of Portland, places that remind us of a home that we have left behind. On the other hand, we are falling in love with our new neighborhood. It is a place so unfamiliar and strange, and at times we feel very much like outsiders, but at other times we are welcomed in with open arms. The pendulum swings back and forth on almost a daily basis as we try to discern that ever-elusive "calling."

I can sit on the stoop outside my building for hours and just watch the world go by. The old men outside the bodega on the corner fill the air with their alternating deep laughter and heated arguments over beers and dominoes. The teenagers strut by in their groups, talking on their cell phones and trying to look tough but really just reminding me of myself in those days. The breezes carry by whisps of roasting chicken one minute, then curry the next, followed by the fresh garbage waiting for pickup on the sidewalk. Families with kids, free-spirited college students and decrepit homebums all pass my glance within the space of minutes. I really do love this place but I wonder whether this is where we need to be.

We have been offered a place to stay for a while by a kind-hearted pastor in Brooklyn. If the financial need arises, we may need to take him up on the offer. I am still waiting to hear back from Nyack College on a faculty position, and I am still hoping and praying that this will be the job. If we end up in Brooklyn, it will take us far from Inwood and I doubt that we would ever return here, at least in the forseeable future. So if the job comes through and we can find a place here, perhaps we will stay. I have to rest in the fact that God is calling the shots and I need to fast from fear and indecision for the moment.